A little scared…

So I’ve played it safe pretty much all my life, I was raised that way.  It’s always been a frustration of mine that I do not take risks, or at least I am really, really afraid to take risks.  I don’t do it often.  So recently, when an opportunity presented itself, I decided to put myself out there and apply for a new job at a new school, yes, I am a teacher.  I was excited and nervous and worried and was absolutely filled with anxiety leading up to the interview.  Despite the ever-present nerves wreaking havoc on my innards (this is a problem because I fart when I get nervous), I just knew I was  a perfect candidate, and my lengthy resume and reputation would speak for themselves.  The day came, gassy stomach in tow, and I killed the interview.  I could not believe it, the risk was going to pay off.  There was no way any other candidate was going to top me, they just had to hire me.  But they didn’t.

To say I was disappointed was an understatement.  I was devastated, demoralized, humiliated, not to mention angry and of course confused.  For the first few days I wondered how I would continue at a job that, to be perfectly honest, I loved.  But in those first moments, that didn’t matter.  What was I going to do?  The rejection felt career ending.  Yes, I can be high on the drama.  So I spent the weekend sitting in it, those raw emotions that made me feel like a loser. I replayed ever scenario in my head, questioning every word I said in that interview and wondering whether my self-assessment was completely off. Doubting myself is something I am REALLY good at.   I wanted to accept the outcome with grace and dignity, and for the most part, I think I have, but let’s be honest…not always.  The bitter Betty in me has reared its ugly head every now and again.

But now it’s time.  Time to regroup. Time to reevaluate.  Time to risk.  So this is it.  My very first BLOG.  Last weekend I spent 3 days at the 2015 CUE Conference (that is Computer Using Educators, a nerd-fest for teachers) in Palm Springs and thankfully got re-inspired to do what I do best…TEACH.  It was there I learned the power of the blog, for my students, for my career, and most importantly for ME.

That’s right, ME.  Let’s face it, moms forget about the ME. I have no idea what I am doing and I am terrified.  But here I go.  I’m terrified because this is full exposure.  My thoughts and feelings in a public forum, not to mention my ability, or lack thereof, to write is here for all to judge.  I teach history.  I do not have the natural gift to put pen to paper and captivate readers …oooh…do you see it, right there between the lines…DOUBT.

I’m not sure of the purpose or direction of this new adventure, but I know for sure, it is a risk.  And I must take it, even though I ‘m a little scared.